There are so many thoughts, wishes, and considerations that go into making the decision to expand your family. Then once you make this decision there’s the added worry of fertility and finances. As the time nears the actual birth, you can be consumed more by the anticipation of your children’s bound. However, for me, the actual transition to two children has overall been more challenging than I expected and a real struggle! Although there are many moments of pure joy and cuteness, it is met with equal moments of anxiety, frustration, sadness, and sensory over-load. Now I do feel my experience has been influenced highly on the fact that my kids are <2years apart and it coincided with a big life transition from full time to part time stay-at-home mom. So needless to say lots of changes within a short period of time (while deeply submerged in post-partum hormones)!
So only after x8 months, here are some honest lessons that I have learned. Then if you want some more strategies on how to manage, then feel free to read my “Top Tips to Help the Transition to Two” post.
- Be patient
Real talk, it took me >3 months to find a rhythm and feel confident that I could handle it. I either was on the verge of crying or actually crying almost every day during this time, so you are not alone. I tried to take every day as a learning opportunity and tried different things until I found what worked best.
- Be flexible
Just when I thought I had a solution or rhythm, BAM!, there was another developmental milestone, leap, growth spurt, teething, etc. Plus every day is different so something that worked the day before may not today. So it was a matter of finding that balance between routine and adaptability as well as continuing to trial-and-error.
- Transitioning from a 2:1 to 2:2 ratio
I know this math may seem silly as of course this changes when you have another child. But this simple ratio change seemed had a larger impact than I was expecting. I am very fortunate that my husband helps co-parent and I don’t think I realized just how much we were co-parenting every parenting task with my first. Now we divide and conquer and switch when we need a break but I miss that double-team defense. Since I am breastfeeding, I also feel I get less time with my toddler as my husband is usually on toddler duty so I cherish any 1:1 time that I can steal with my toddler (which side note SUPER helps reducing tantrums and can be effective even if just x10min).
- Now TWO children need me for everything AND their needs are vastly different
Again, I think this is highly influenced by having two kids so close in age as a 2 y/o still needs you for just about everything. Plus it seemed that both were hungry, tired, and crying at the same time often! I really had to learn to take one demand at a time which often meant prioritizing one of their needs first and learning to stay calm in the chaos. This struggle has already started to improve as my little has grown beyond the new-newborn phase and has a more predictable schedule.
- Managing a toddler while breastfeeding
Hands down this has been the most challenging task to manage! In the early stages, it was tough as my toddler didn’t quite understand that I was unavailable, I had no hands free especially when they needed help with head control, and my little was still a novice needing to learn. Then later, the challenge hasn’t gotten easier just different as now my little is highly distracted while feeding.
- Return of sleep deprivation
Although I believe I am actually getting more consecutive sleep with my second, I feel much more sleep deprived. This may be from the exhaustion that is raising a toddler and two children all day but I also think RETURNING to the deprivation is tough. Maybe it’s because the exciting newness of being a parent is less or that you made it to the other end of the rainbow and now you have to go back into the storm. Whatever the reason may be, the feeling is real and I was never a regular coffee drinker until I was a mother of two 😊
- Having experience as baby #2 BUT all kids are different
Almost every mother gives this advice but it is so true that EVERY KID IS DIFFERENT! I do agree that as an experienced mother, I have less anxiety and already have some strategies to try. However, I still had to learn all the intricacies of my second’s preferences and personality so that I could adapt my parenting to him.
- Someone seems to be either eating or napping
Between an insatiable toddler who still naps plus a semi predictable infant who is breastfed+solids and transitioning/refusing naps, it is just a lot! Some days I just feel completely nap trapped at home! In this current phase, nothing is more glorious when portions of their two routines overlap! There is some soon-to-be light at the end of the tunnel for this one though as I have seen this drastically improve in the last few months.
- Everything takes longer
I will be the first to admit that patience is not my strongest virtue although motherhood is allowing me to adapt! For some reason, the time it takes to complete any task does not just take double the amount of time with two children but almost 2.5-3x the time. This has improved the longer I have been a mother of two as we become more efficient with our routines, but as we all know rushing a toddler is not effective 😊
- Reduced free time
There is this imbalance with motherhood that the amount of free time reduces but the number of tasks and responsibility increases. Now part of this discussion is the fact that sometimes you just have to prioritize the household responsibilities and things may not be as clean as you want them. But the other big part of this discussion is the desire to hold on to your identity as a wife and someone outside of motherhood. It has been so vital for me to schedule and follow-through with date nights, regular exercise, hobby nights, meditation, and good sleep hygiene.