For me, the transition to two children has been more overwhelming than I expected. I feel I did a lot of prep as a first-time mother which was helpful when it came to my second time giving birth, recovering post-partum, breastfeeding, and managing the newborn phase. However, I under-prepped for the logistical and emotional transition of having two children. Feel free to read my “10 Lessons Learned Transitioning to Two Under Two” post as I go into more detail on this topic. For this post, I wanted to go into more detail about some hopefully helpful real tips that I have trialed and implemented to help me with this transition to more children:
- Prioritize 1:1 time with older child
This was helpful for me to stay connected with my toddler as well as really helped his emotional regulation and reduce his tantrums. I have found that it doesn’t need to be anything extra special or time consuming as often it was just inserting myself into his routine or whatever he was playing with in the moment. It was just the simple fact of being completely present for that x10-15min with my toddler.
- Lean into the 2:2 ratio
In the beginning, I definitely think myself/husband tried to do too much as a whole family together which often resulted in two crying children, rushing and not enjoying the togetherness, and/or two overwhelmed exhausted parents. I highly encourage you to lean on your family, friends, community, and/or partner to divide and conquer. Extra bonus if that help can actually take a kiddo out of the house for awhile!
- Toddler proofing
Before the arrival of your second, toddler proofing absolutely as much as possible in as many rooms as possible was vital! Then when your toddler learns new skills and grows taller -> toddler proof again. In the beginning, I felt I was having to toddler proof something new or trialing a different strategy for better safety almost every day. This definitely was a major contributor to my anxiety in the first few months especially when my husband went back to work. Now my toddler can leave a room and I don’t have to worry (as much).
- Encourage independent play during breastfeeding time
First off, I will admit my toddler is not the best at independent play or volume/physical regulation! So I found that activity bins, audio players like the yoto, (yes) TV, and snacks were good activities that gave me the x15-30min of some relief that I needed to breastfeed. A few other tips that I found helpful especially once my little became extra distracted were: dimmed/dark lighting, playing music or sound machines to dilute all noises, and setting up the activity in the adjacent room.
- Play stations
This can correlate with independent play but I feel so strongly about this concept that I felt it needed its own tip! Stations for me just mean there are different spots in my house where I have a collection of toys/books. I will be honest that I tried the recommended “toy rotation” technique and it did not work for me. So this was another way that I could spread out our toys and no matter where I needed to be/breastfeed/clean/relax, my toddler had some toys that he could play with.
- Be pro-active with meals
In my household, I am the chef. There are many reasons this works for us but mostly it is because I am better and find enjoyment in cooking. So my most helpful tips include: meal planning (I do every x2 weeks as I don’t like to go grocery shopping every week), finding my favorite <30min meals, meal prepping during free time/nap time vs in evening (as that dreaded 5pm time can be unpredictable and tough!), using shortcuts like pre-made sauces or frozen pre-cut vegetables, finding easy snack and lunch options, cooking extra for leftovers, and having some plan B freezer options.
- Sensory DE-stim
From my experience, motherhood has come with a large flux of sensory stimulation which I have learned in my adulthood that I am generally more sensitive to and did not expect. I can find myself easily irritable and reactive depending on my “threshold” that day or even that moment. So I have found it vital for me to identify my biggest triggers (loud noises, tugging/pulling hair, and visually messy house), prioritize managing these with awareness and prevention, AND finding what decreases my threshold (anything outdoors, working out, painting, yoga, etc). These strategies have allowed me to be more consistent, level, and present for my family so find what works for you!
- Be extra strict with good sleep hygiene
Probably the #1 cause that places me at or above my threshold is lack of sleep. Of course this is EXTRA challenging after a new baby as it forces you back to that newborn sleep deprivation. BUT that is just a stage as all kids will take naps, sleep through the night, and sleep by themselves (sometimes that is nice to hear when you are in the weeds of this stage!). Yes sleep training for my kiddos was helpful as I feel like we got to that stage sooner but even more important was to still continue my good sleep hygiene patterns AND get back to that regular routine as soon as possible.
- Find little moments of ME time during the day
One of the hardest parts of transitioning to being a SAHM and mother of more children was feeling most of my energy going to something/someone else. So over time this became quite draining and mundane. Therefore, I have found it so helpful to prioritize doing things I like to do. Which may mean I include my kids, do alone once they are sleeping, or do once my partner comes home and can watch the kids. Though depending on my mood and threshold for that day, I would have to steal x1-10min moments throughout the day. This could be as simple as listening to a podcast or audio book while supervising/playing with my kids, going on a stroller walk with my kids, encouraging more independent play and supervising with my WARM coffee (as I LOVE a lazy morning!), going for a quick run (any distance/pace/anything helps), x10min arm work-out or push-ups, etc.
- Being strict with scheduling free time
As mothers sometimes we reflect back on our lives before kids and wonder what we did with all of our free time. It is no surprise that once you add kids and how many kids you have, your free time reduces. That’s just math! In my household, I have found it so helpful to “schedule” out our free time which for us may look like Mondays are deep cleaning nights, Tuesdays and Fridays are in-home date nights, Thursdays are hobby night, Sunday AM are my long run/workout day, etc. Now this is the goal but please understand that every week does not look like this!
- Cut-off time
There will always be something more you could add to your to-do list. There will never be enough hours in the day. So in order to prioritize that me-time, free time, sleep hygiene, I recommend finding the moment in your day where you just stop and leave whatever that isn’t necessary to another day. For me that is 9-930pm as my body needs that longer wind down time before going to bed. That often means around 8pm, I try to reflect on what necessities or prioritizes that need to get done TODAY. If that list feels too long then ask for help or delegate if you can.
- Lots of deep breathing and pause!
For me, this has been the #1 tip to help me manage and be less reactive IN THE MOMENT! Motherhood is tough but I think as mothers we need to keep prioritizing ourselves as that will only make us better as mothers.